Anxiety

I am going through emotions like crazy over here. One minute I am mad, then sad, then angry, then I feel like maybe today will be a better day and I can be positive for a minute but that one fades quickly. The feelings that remain a constant though are devastation and anxiety. I know that other people have been through much worse but this is what I am dealing with and how I am dealing with it.

The anxiety is insane. I am anxious to see people, I have yet to take any calls or return any for that matter. I don't even want to see my parents, they came over last night and my dad told me to smile and that he hates seeing me sad. Well, dad, you might want to avoid me for a little while if that is the case because I am not going to pretend that everything is OK just to make you feel comfortable. I know he means well and he is trying to help but this is how I deal with things and he knows this and he is the kind of guy who doesn't want to talk about things, he just wants to accept it and move on. I am not like that.

I am anxious to go anywhere for fear that I will run into someone I know because I am not in the chatty mood and just having to force a fake smile seems impossible right now. I am anxious to see someone pregnant or babies or even worse people who are pregnant who aren't happy about it or people who are not nice to their kids, like my sister in law's huband (I don't call him my brother in law because I dislike him) He has 3 great kids, one was an accident and her mother is a tramp and they now have temporary custody of this little girl and they show her no affection, don't include her in anything family related and really make her feel like a nuissance. I know that if I see him I might punch him in the face.

D is gone fishing today, I am anxious because I am home alone. He needed to get out of the house because I know he was going shack wacky sitting here consoling me and watching me mope around. I wanted him to go and do something for him but as I sit here alone it breaks my heart. The last time he went fishing was the day I got my positive test. The happiest day ever.

Today would have been 6 weeks.

I am leaving to go visit my sisters for the weekend maybe tomorrow or Thursday, D will join me on Friday. This also makes me anxious.