Not only does my body hate me but it is also exhausting me entirely. D says that my body is going through a lot so it is natural for me to be exhausted.
I have lost a lot of blood, I feel weak and the few people who I have seen said I look pale. I don't really care that much to be honest. I hate my body right now.
Today I am thinking about heading out of town to visit my sisters, we had originally planned to be going there for the weekend anyway and since I am off I might head there early. D would drive me halfway and my sister would come and meet us there. I thought about driving myself but my head is still pretty foggy so I don't think that is the greatest idea for me.
Last night as I slept, I dreamt of a regular day before D and I even lived together. I was eating Chinese food with my family and called him at his parents house to see if he wanted to do something together that night. So simple, so happy. Then I woke up to a nightmare, that is what my life is right now, a nightmare. D wants me to try and move forward and I want to be ready for that too but every time I feel a cramp or see blood I am reminded all over again that I miscarried.
2 months ago my best friend also miscarried, her story is a little different than mine. She went for an ultrasound at 11 weeks and there was no heartbeat and the baby measured abound 7 weeks. She waited to see if her body would pass it naturally but it did not and she ended up having to get a D&C. The fact that this has happened to both of us in such a short amount of time is absolutely unimaginable. We are a terrific support system for each other and I know she would be great to talk to but again, I am shutting down and not really talking to anyone about it. It's too fresh and too painful.
I wonder how some people are able to get over something like this quickly? Am I overly sensitive? Did I want this too much? I think it's because it took us a while and a lot of heart ache to get there so when I did I figured that it could never be taken away.
I promise you that with time, things do get a little easier. With that said, it was weeks before I could talk about it, and even longer before I could talk about it without crying. Even three months later, I still get a little sad when I think about it. You must grieve at your own pace, and never feel like you "should" be feeling better. Take care of yourself.
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